I want to run, to run away… as fast as I can. I desire freedom… freedom to explore, to wander, to create… to breathe. But I am stuck, bound inside these walls that feel more like chains with each passing day. I can move a little, but only with repetitive, redundant motions. I wonder if my actions are truly valuable or just in vain. While my needs are but a distant whisper, my soul aches with hunger, because, after all, I am more than just a mom. I try to stay focused, to be present, but I find myself desperately holding on to anything that slightly resembles me, fearing that I’m losing myself. Why is it so challenging to just be? I am meeting the needs of three special souls; three little people who love and need me.
I get several compliments from people, friends and strangers, about how “perfect and beautiful” my life is. I agree, most of the time things are really good around here. We have an easy life and are blessed beyond measure. Perfect… well, that’s subjective. We have the reoccurring messes, arguments, and just plain stressful days. The kids are bickering, again. The transmission goes out, again. My husband is working, again. Oh and the dryer, it’s broken, again! Didn’t I just do those dishes, wash those clothes, clean that… fill in the blank. I try to stay focused on the big-picture, on my purpose and passions. Even with my best efforts, after awhile the stress, annoyances, and self-pity add up and boil over.
As I find myself at the peak of chaos, contemplating my next move, I breathe deep and remind myself that this phase is brief. Intense? Yes! But so very brief! I wander outside, inhale deeply, raise my hands to the sky and twirl… around and around and around in the high grass… I gaze down, touching the tips of the flowers and discover a glimpse of my world… so soft and colorful, so small, yet important, and so… so perfect, even with all its imperfections. Those imperfections make my life unique, and in a sense, give it more meaning.
I accept the reality that this journey is sometimes hard. It is not, and never will be picture-perfect. But it is my journey and my choice to see the beauty in it all. It is my choice to choose love and patience. It is up to me to forgive myself and allow grace to come in during my deepest moments of frustration. I am making an investment in the lives of my children and although I desire the best for them, I am only human. Just as the seasons change, these tense and stressful moments will come and go. I will experience fatigue and stress and repeatedly clean the same messes. I understand that I have to let some things go and choose to spend the time that I have doing what matters most.
Thankful to have regained perspective, I walk home with no expectations, only a clear mind and joy in my heart. I open the door and embrace the smiling faces, choosing to overlook the messes… at least until the next chaotic whirlwind blows through. 😉 (I wrote about this same thing two years ago! Ha! Except, I didn’t feel like a sabbatical was necessary. You can see that journal HERE)