journal – an unexpected love song

:::An Unexpected Love Song:::

I am feeling incredibly grateful today, more than usual. I have so much love… I mean I am really loved!! And it feels so good. I wish each person in the world could feel love like this. It’s a combination of giving and caring and receiving. It’s more than I ever expected for my life.

Ethan wanted to have a marching band today, so we did. Nana came over and led our band with the harmonica, I played the flute, Ethan and Amélie rocked the guitars… and we marched around the yard playing the best we could… and it was really fun.

I love being a mom! I love these special little moments and good times with my babes. I love hearing, “Mom, you’re the best,” from those little lips, and love seeing them smile. Some days I look at my children and think I have forever, that they’ll always be this way, the way they are right now. They are small and cute and cuddly and creative… and so happy! They want me to play with them and they need me. I feel like they will always be with me, that they will always want to be with me.

But there are other times when I find myself wishing these days away. Like when I just want to quickly and quietly run into the store or go on a date with my husband or have coffee with a friend. I mean, not everyday is sunshine and giggles… my kiddos scream and fight and cry and whine… and create a mess faster than a big elephant set free in a tiny house… maybe that’s because a big elephant can’t move in a little house, but you get the point, right? I know they aren’t perfect but I absolutely adore them, imperfections and annoyances and all… they bring me joy.

I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom though. That wasn’t my dream job by any means, especially at age 23. I was an ambitious girl with a big mission. I was in pursuit of my dreams when I saw two little lines on that test. I took at least 10 more pregnancy tests… the first one had to be wrong – I couldn’t be pregnant, it just wasn’t a part of my two-year plan. But I was. So, I pouted and cried and freaked out as calming as I could. At my doctor appointment, I heard the heartbeat for the first time and understood how real this was. Months later, I felt the baby move and everything changed (I’m not just talking about my ever expanding belly either)!:)

Gradually, all of those mixed feelings merged into a ball of excitement and anticipation. We painted the nursery, took a Bradley class, speculated about the gender and what he or she would be like. I continued going to college, planning to teach after graduation. And one September day, the baby came. It was boy! When the doctor laid that little baby on my chest, suddenly, all I wanted was to be a mom. I didn’t want to go back to school, but I did. I have a degree that some people think I’m wasting. I disagree. I use it everyday… I apply all that knowledge to my family, my greatest investment.

I struggled for a long time, feeling as though I was not contributing to my family by staying home. I also felt like perhaps I was selling myself short by not achieving my dreams and goals. Finally, four years later I gracefully embrace my role and I see things so differently. I contribute to our family by making our house a cozy home, cooking healthy and nutritious meals for my family, educating my children, and enjoying fun little moments that I would miss if I had to work, like today’s unexpected love song, for example. Moments like these make my heart so happy.

Even though staying home is challenging, I wouldn’t choose anything else! Yes, I have threatened to get a job and maybe even run away in the middle of the craziness, but I know in my heart that this is where I want to be! I love knowing my kids. I love being able to foster their ideas and encourage their creativity. I love caring for them and watching them grow. I haven’t missed anything – I’ve been here for it all! Even though I feel like they will always be as they are right now, I know that one day they will be gone. Their little dreams that seem so big to them right now will grow into bigger dreams that I cannot fulfill and they will wander and create their own lives. So although this was not my plan, it is beautiful and amazing and I am beyond thankful to be home with my children. One day I will be able to shower in peace and enjoy a quiet moment, but I have feeling I will want those little babes back in arms more than I want that freedom.

 

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